Is there a manual for this?

It took me several years to even admit aloud that I am, in fact, a pastor's wife.

First of all, I don't like making casseroles. I don't have lengthy passages of scripture memorized. I have been known to swear like a sailor when I drive. I have no plans to wear large flower-print, knee length dresses. Actually, that was the point my friend made when her husband was exploring a career in full time ministry. I told her that a creative designer-turned-pastor's wife such as herself would be a breath of fresh air for any church. But God took them back to CA for a career Hollywood, so I never got to see her creative interpretation of the role of pastor's wife. Ahh, I digress.

I grew up Catholic. So I simply didn't have any images or expectations associated with what a pastor's wife is or does. There weren't many visible women in the church, other than teachers. I remember a story of a nun and priest that left the order to get married. Since they were both out of a job after, there's no way to know what their life of ministry looked like together. Plus, that's far more interesting and scandalous than being married to the pastor.

So, when someone asked me what it's like to be a pastor's wife, my answer was simply, "Oh, I'm not really a pastor's wife." And then, I had a whole list of reasons to choose from. My husband's the worship pastor- that's not the same as being married to the lead pastor. Maybe if he was teaching each week, then I'd be a real pastor's wife. I would happily declare that I didn't feel any special pressure, since our church is big, and only a handful of people even knew who I was. And it's young church, free of the outgrown images of the dowdy also-plays-organ-for-the-choir pastor's wife. So I'm okay with not sitting in the front row with my perfectly behaved children in tow. Even if I was a pastor's wife, which, by the way, I'm not.

Right?

Sort of.

Five years into this adventure, I'm learning that the struggle it's not so much about people's expectations or my husband's role at the church, though they play a part. The struggle is more about feeling equipped to wisely handle all the complexities that come with "professional" ministry. How do I encourage my husband as he manages the stress and demands? How do I remain compassionate and hopeful in the midst of a more intimate knowledge of sin and brokenness affecting our community? How do I handle criticism of my husband or the church without jumping to his defense? How do I find my own ways and places to serve? How do I balance my life when a calling, career, community, church, and therefore conflict are all intermingled with the same people? How do I help my kids love God and see the church as more than just the place that Daddy works? Those are just a few of the questions.

I know I don't have the answers. A quick Google search tells me that others are asking similar questions. There are bits and pieces of this conversation scattered throughout other blogs and forums, but I think it may be worthy of it's very own home.

Are you married to a pastor or someone in full-time ministry? What challenges does that bring? What questions do you have?